External Pressure Creates Internal Change

[ external pressure creates internal change ]
I disconnected from my life to connect to our time in the hospital. It’s my way of coping with what’s going on. I tried to existed here and here only. I’ll be super honest and share that these past four weeks have been terrifying and painful and amazing all at the same time. I think if it was all just bad it might be easier to process what is happening. But it hasn’t all been bad. It’s actually been filled with so much love, so much joy and so much laughter that it has my head and heart confused at times.
Early on when the doctors at UCSD told us that they didn’t think mom had long I told our family how I was going to deal with it all. At some point I would have to mourn my mom, I mean we all will. But I refuse to feel that pain and heartbreak now when she is living and we can hope for miraculous healing. What’s the point of being overwhelmed by that now?
I’m going to live in the hope (delusional positivity like my work tells us to do) and make our time right now the best we can. Then when I have to mourn I will mourn. Maybe it’s tomorrow or maybe in 20 years from now. Just thinking briefly about that heartbreak rattles my brain. But now we smile, we laugh, we hug and talk about everything and anything. We put up twinkle lights and shiny decorations. We play card games and watch Netflix. We make crafts and laugh with the nurses. (Side note so so grateful for the amazing care we have gotten in the ICU at UCSD & UCLA. Nurses are really special people and I’m forever thankful for the ones we have had night and day) Because God is good and has surrounded us in love and hope and peace. ✨⚡️✨
Thank you for all your kind messages of love and prayers for my mom. It has helped filled me up when I don’t feel whole. I appreciate it all so much.

- Taryn